I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The beer is more important than you right now.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
