I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
