did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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