it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
