Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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