even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
