I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
