I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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