if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
