Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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