is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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