every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
