stop calling my apartment porn island.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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