I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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