God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
