hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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