Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
