remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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