i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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