Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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