So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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