Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Randomize
