Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Randomize
