nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize
