She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
