Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
