you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
