Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
