nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
