just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
