my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
