i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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