Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
