What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
