I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
