Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
