Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
