You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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