he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
you had me at cake vodka
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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