he wants to bone in the snuggie
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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