Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
