the condom got lost in my hair
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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