Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
