Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
