I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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