You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
