Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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