a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
