No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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