Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
