Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
They have beer where we have blood.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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