It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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