I have demons in me.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
