the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
