I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I need a beard to bite.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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