I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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