I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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