Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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